UPDATE (OCTOBER 7, 2022) – I co-created a presentation called 5 Struggles Your Foster Students Wished You Knew and it’s now available to watch and share. It goes much deeper into the foster care experience and includes the perspective of two women of color. Please check it out too.

 

I’m writing this blog post to get people thinking about how they support their students living in a group home or foster care. Few educators have personally experienced this or deeply understand the experiences of someone who has. So, here’s what I wish educators knew about teaching youth who live in foster care or a group home.

I write this as a person who lived in a group home for 3.5 years, from the middle of 9th grade until my first day at UCLA. If you’re interested in learning more about that part of my life, I shared it here in my short ShadowCon talk.

While I hope to be helpful and provide context and strategies that are applicable to all students, I can’t emphasize enough that my thoughts are extremely biased by my own experiences. I’ve broken this post into three parts: relationships, behavior, and academics.
 

Relationships
Making and keeping healthy relationships when living in a group home is not easy. Remember that people are coming into and out of that environment. Most kids lived there for about 6 months. So, if you did make a friend, it didn’t last. There were also new kids coming in who wanted to aggressively assert themselves, and it frequently felt unsafe. Think about what it’s like to be a kid who feels safer at school than at home… and school doesn’t always feel that safe.

I don’t know how to say this subtly, but in the time that I lived in the group home, two residents committed suicide. I wasn’t close to either of them, but when that is part of the environment you live in…

Building and maintaining relationships with the adults was also hard, but for a different reason. While most were very kind, ultimately it was a job for them and there were at least 20 people who were my guardian in 3.5 years. In that kind of situation, it feels like no one understands you and it makes you hesitant to open up because that person will be gone soon enough. Can you imagine how much I valued my relationships with the teachers who made an effort to connect with me? They were the most stable people in my life.

Making friends at school was also challenging. Maybe I shouldn’t have been, but I was embarrassed to live in a group home and I tried to hide it. Living in a group home also limited my ability to get together with these friends outside of school. I wouldn’t let them come to where I lived and there were also significant restrictions like non-negotiable bed times and limited free time to leave the facility. This made it hard to spend time together and made you feel like an outsider.
 

Behavior
I got suspended in 10th grade for breaking a stink bomb in class. It was dumb, I know, but it’s important that you understand why I did it. I was brand new to a school that went from 4th grade to 12th grade. Everyone else already had their close friends and I felt lost at sea and badly wanted to fit in. Someone gave me the stink bomb and told me to break it. I wasn’t thinking at all about the consequences. All I wanted was for people to like me and this seemed like what I needed to do. In retrospect, I am grateful that this was all I did. Can you imagine why many kids living in group homes and foster care turn to drugs or gangs in search of acceptance? The root issue here is wanting to feel loved and accepted, even if the symptoms manifest themselves in ways that aren’t easy to decipher. This is why it is so important to reach out and build relationships with students. There may be no one better than you for this job.

I remember also being embarrassed about my clothing. When I came to the group home, the entirety of my possessions were the clothes I was wearing and what fit in my backpack. Initially, I didn’t want to go to school because I would have to wear the same clothes multiple times a week and didn’t want to be teased. I didn’t tell anyone that. I just seemed like a kid who refused to go to school. Obviously this issue did get resolved, but I think it speaks towards where students are coming from. Maybe they have bruises they want to fade away. Maybe they haven’t gotten a haircut in a long time. Maybe all their clothes are hand-me-downs. The reality is that these students may appear to be defiant or non-cooperative, but this could be a symptom of a problem you wouldn’t suspect when you haven’t walked in their shoes.

Holidays were rough while living in the group home and even afterwards. It really made you self-conscious as it seemed like everyone else was excited to spend time with family, go on vacations, or receive gifts. Many kids living in group homes become sad because they feel left out or recall easier times from their childhood. For me, this actually continued into college. People would go home for the holidays like Thanksgiving and I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. For spring break I could at least stay in my dorm, even if there wasn’t food service. However for winter break I had to leave the dorms and sleep on my friends’ couches for two weeks. As a result, when I rented my first apartment during my junior year, I appreciated it far more than most. So, when you’re doing a holiday celebration and you’re thinking everyone is feeling happy, they may not be. Remember, if school is where it feels safe, then the last thing they want is to be in the group home for the next two weeks. Check in with them to see where they’re at.
 

Academics
So, amongst all of this, I was supposed to do homework and study for tests. Let’s just say that the group home was not an ideal environment for academic success. I don’t remember a single person in the 3.5 years I lived there, other than me, who intended to go to college. I was blazing my own trail. There were so many other paths that would have been easier for me to travel. Somehow I held on to the vision that the only way I could get out of this mess was to get a good education. Realize that there may be things educators take for granted such as having a quiet place to work or guardians who help out. What can you do to provide support that goes above and beyond your job description for these students?

Other things I wished I had in retrospect were more mentors. Remember that for a lot of students living in group homes or foster care, there aren’t role models to guide them. Going to college may not even be on their radar because it’s hard to think about the future when you’re concerned with just getting through the day. I really needed someone to build a relationship with me at school that lasted through my time there. Maybe someone who would have advised me on which courses to take to be competitive or even just basic life advice that guardians tend to pass on to their kids. While I love my life now, I occasionally wonder about how much farther I could have gotten with the right environment.
 

Conclusion
Sometimes when we don’t know what to do or say, we don’t do anything at all. For students who live in foster care or at group homes, this is not the way to go. They desperately need our help, but don’t know how to ask for it. They are looking for someone to love them and make them feel welcome. If at all possible, be that person for them. Be a fan who cheers for their successes. Be a mentor who will listen and give advice. Be someone who believes in them, even when they don’t believe in themselves. They may never tell you thanks, but it will mean a great deal to them.
 
Update - May 9, 2018
Please be sure to read Sandra Balestrin’s experience in the comments below. She is also an educator who lived in a group home and adds additional perspective.
 
Update - February 18, 2022
Sometimes when I re-read this blog post I wonder if things were really as challenging as I remembered or whether the stories grew in my memories over the years. Well I was recently sent a picture of a letter I had written soon after I arrived almost thirty years ago. It felt like opening a time capsule. Someone who worked at the group home I lived at kept this letter and uncovered it while cleaning her desk. I guess things were kinda like I remembered them.

61 Comments

      • Thanks for sharing, that has really inspired me to look at ways to work with my districts in educating teachers about these issues. I too grew up in a group home but from a different vantage point. My parents were what you call “teaching parents”, so we lived at the house with the boys (mostly high school age). Needless to say I saw and experienced a lot, both good and bad, but it has molded me into the person I am today! Your story is one more teachers need to hear.

      • Thank you so much for sharing this. I have helped a lot of my babies over the years, but this makes it more real. I learned early in my career that if a student does something they shouldn’t or makes a scene that something is always wrong. Kids normally don’t do these things unless their is a reason. I’m so proud of you and your accomplishments! I admire your determination. Once again, thank you:

    • My parents were foster parents when I was between the ages of 10-13. Even at my young age, I need noticed something that just about every foster child would do. They would deliberately break whatever they perceived to be the most important rule, or my parents’ biggest pet peeve. At first, I just thought it was defiance because they didn’t try to hide it, and all but dared my parents to do something about it.
      Then one day I overheard my parents asking (not yelling at) one of them why they had done whatever it was they did. The answer was sobering. He said he wanted to prove that they would THROW (his word) him away when he messed up, just like everybody else has done.
      That comes flooding back into my mind now every time I encounter a “rebellious” student, and I try to remember to first ask why. I usually don’t get an answer. I also try to let them know that even though I have to follow the school’s discipline plan because action have consequences, that it’s not personal, and it says nothing about their worth.
      That’s not always easy, and I don’t always get it right, but I am trying. Sadly, though, we don’t always know who is in a group home or foster care, but if we love them all, especially the “tough” ones, it won’t matter. I guess it’s true that the most unlovable need the most love.

    • Hello
      I use to work as a house parent with my spouse
      And im looking into getting back involved with house parenting. Is there anything that a house parent can do to make it better for kids living in a group home

      • Hi Lenee. I think just listening to children and making them feel loved is something they’d appreciate. I could never have enough stable people in my life.

    • Thank you for sharing. However, i do feel your view point does have a bitof bias in it and that you had a bad experience. I have worked in a group home for over 3 years. Although you do being up good points that are factual, it should be stated that not all groyp homes are bad. Yes, it is my job, but I still take it seriously and do what I am alloeed it do under the group home regulations and the Dept. Of Corrections.

      • Hi Susan. I was describing my own experiences. I don’t have the ability to make generalizations about all group homes. Overall, I am very fortunate to have gone through the group home that I did.

        That being said, it’s worth realizing that the perspective you have as someone who works for a group home just can’t be the same as living there. It’d be like a prison guard commenting on how not all prisons are bad. Until you’re a prisoner, you’re just not going to know.

  1. Thank you for sharing. When you got to college, what do you wish your professors would have known? I teach at a small liberal arts school and have several students who are former foster kids.

    • Interesting question. I guess I would say that my desires were fairly similar: I just wanted connection. Admittedly, that is much more challenging given that the courses are often only a quarter or semester long and you’re in a room of up to hundreds of people.

      That being said, I will always remember two professors: David Martinez (an English professor) and Alan Stacey (a math professor) who made me feel like I belonged.

      I’m not sure if that is useful, but I hope that helps.

  2. I am so grateful for your post and for your courage, both as the young person you were then and as the adult you are now. My students in the foster system are precious to me, and I always knew that our bond was a lifeline for them, but now I see that I never fully understood why. Thank you for helping me to understand some of the more hidden dimensions of their lives. It helps me to better support them.

    With a heart full of gratitude,
    Elizabeth (@cheesemonkeysf)

    • Thanks for the kind words, Elizabeth. I’m glad that this will give you a deeper understanding and connection with your students.

  3. A great and poignant reminder to understand where our students are coming from – thanks for the share. Relationships, relationships, relationships.

    • You are very right Doug. Most people just want to feel like they belong and are a part of something that matters. Relationships go a long way towards that desire.

  4. Your story is such a wonderful gift to us, Robert. Furthermore, your questions to make us think and suggestions for supporting (reaching out to students) are spot on. (Thanks you) x 1,000,000.

    I’m curious what questions teachers could ask their students at the beginning of the year or learn how to look more closely at student files to learn more about their students’ stories. Thoughts?
    How might administrators support teachers and emphasize the importance of positive student relationships?

    • Thanks bud.

      I wonder if having students in a teacher’s school/district do this activity and sharing a video of the results might be useful for all teachers to better empathize with kids. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnTd1WT3UVc

      Once relationships are built and trust and rapport are established, then you could ask kids to write down what they wish you knew about them (not anonymously).

      That’s where I’d begin.

  5. You have a beautiful heart and an even more courageous soul for sharing your story so poignantly. Thank you, my friend. ~Maggie from Wisconsin; Maggie from the Elevator; Maggie from the Robert Kaplinsky sign Twitter pix (which will continue)

  6. Robert, it’s not very often this has happened but I am so grateful it has: I’ve admired your knowledge and your sharing of great Math thinking for a long time, the grace you showed when I gave you that awkward the first time we met aside , I deeply admire the strength and generosity to share your story to help others. So here it is, know that your journey and your story are making the differences in so many lives. Thank you for all you do and thank you for letting me call you friend.

    • Hey Jeremiah. I appreciate your reflection. If there’s been a benefit to all of this, I think it’s similar to what people who have a heart attack feel. It changes your perspective and makes you re-evaluate what’s really important. I had my “heart attack” as a child and it’s helped me keep better track of my priorities.

      Hope to see you soon.

      • That is an interesting perspective, that while no student would i want to have to live through this, finding some good in this is powerful. The sad part is in the truth of your comment, that this is as life threatening as a heart attack can be, and similarly, your survival depends on your “health” and resilience be it mental, physical or both. In any case, your words provide a needed voice to the conversation of what we must consider as educators in meeting the needs of our students.

  7. As a teacher who formerly served students from several group homes, I appreciate your thoughts and honesty. I plan to share your post with the alternate route teachers that I work with during the summer.

  8. Thanks for sharing this, Robert.

    Best thing I ever did: During my junior and senior years of college, I worked as a counselor in a group home. I was in charge of the “study hour” every night after dinner. It gave me an appreciation about all the things that students deal with that we’d never know just from having them in class. Honestly, I think a similar experience should be mandatory in every education program.

    • That does sound like it was valuable. I think the bigger message is that we need empathy. It takes time and energy to be able to see something from another person’s perspective… but when you do it can be very worthwhile.

  9. Wow! What an impactful story! Brene’ Brown says maybe stories are just data with a soul.” Thank you so much for the reminder to always be mindful of students stories.

  10. I am stunned by your story, and also wowed. In the last 12 years ther have been several foster kids in my classroom. They seem so closed off and non-personal. How do I break through and build trust? Furthermore, how do You suggest I maintain that relationship once they’ve left middle school and gone on to high school?

    • Good questions. It’s hard for me to speak for all students, but I’d say that just checking in with them and making them feel welcome and heard is a start. That will take time. I don’t know how to guarantee that relationship, but I’m sure a handwritten note letting them know how important they are to you and that you’d love for them to come back and visit you (or contact you) would go a long way.

      Thanks for asking these questions.

  11. Thank you for sharing this Robert. Empathy and grace can go a long way. Your story needs to be read and shared so that every educator can gain some perspective. Thank you for being so brave in sharing such a personal story.

    • You’re welcome Catherine. I really didn’t want to share this, but almost felt like I had to since it had potential to help so many others.

  12. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I, too, lived in a group home when I was 16. While I think there were many dissimilarities in our experiences, you have totally nailed an abundance of issues that were the same for me.
    Although I dropped out of high school during my group-home time, I eventually attended university as a mature student. I now have three degrees and a publication in an academic journal . . . but am 1/3 of a credit shy of Grade 9.
    I can’t agree enough about the power of relationships with teachers/adults. While none of those relationships were particularly close ones for me, some simple comments showed those teachers were intentionally present and truly cared how I was doing. All it took was about three different teachers asking me to stay after class for a second… Then, privately, they simply said, “If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.” I thanked them and left, never to take them up on their offer… ever. Yet to this day (and I’m now 56), their minimal words still give me strength. If not them, I feel confident there will always be someone out there I can turn to, someone who believes in me.
    I think many teachers assume it takes a huge investment of emotions and time to make a change for “those kids”. Your post (and perhaps my response as well) will help bring some awareness that, for some students, it takes nothing more than letting them know you see them and you’re there, miraculously buoying them enough to go it alone. I did a small action research project for a Masters of Ed course where I interviewed some disengaged Grade 7 and 8 boys and girls (not foster or group-home kids…. just disengaged youth). The thing that came through loudest and clearest was the fact that teachers didn’t even say hi to them in the halls, and that if they were in the office or sitting alone somewhere, teachers assumed it was because they had done something wrong (“What’d ya do this time, Joey?”) instead of just giving them what they needed, a friendly hello.
    As a teacher now, I make it my mission to say hello, with eye-contact and by name, to as many students as possible each day. It usually breaks their stare-ahead slump. Try it… you can actually see a slight lift to their walk. We can’t save them all, but together we can reinforce the fabric of who they *already* are with a few threads of Kevlar to ensure they can save themselves.

    • This is beautiful Sandra. Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. I love the contrast of being 1/3 of a credit away from finishing 9th while also having multiple degrees. It shows that we are not defined by every experience from our childhood.

      Yes, these personal connections are so important. I cannot remember if any teacher ever knew (or at least acknowledged) that I was in a group home. I appreciate you adding your own experience to this post to make the advice for teachers even richer. I’m going to link to your comment in the main post to make sure people check it out too.

      • I appreciate your comments on educators, however I believe your issues are with the system of foster care and group homes. As a teachers, in our school staff are greeting students in the morning as students are on their way to home room. So, your first concerns are with foster home /group homes. I am not a foster parent or work in a group home, their caring for children as best as they can, without them you would have been in an orphanage. Yes, build an relationship with your students, I agree, but to blame educators, we as educators wear many hats. I find your opinion offensive , we do not all fit in that box, so please step back and take a good look at the main issue.

        • This is such a weird response, Rachel. Did you actually read this blog post? I was just sharing my experiences. Read the conclusion again. What part of that do you find offensive?

          • I agree that was such a weird response. I found your post and Sandra’s response quite inspiring as both a teacher and a foster/adoptive mom. We fostered school age children and primarily focused on teens or sibling groups. We knew they were the hardest to place and that group homes were not the best environment for a child to thrive. One of my foster daughters who moved in with us (btw she is now a 5th grade teacher) had a video made about her and her experience growing up in a group home vs a foster home. I LOVED your post and shared it with the whole staff at my school. It was shared out to all our district math specialists from our Title I district office. Keep inspiring us all!

    • The most important part of understanding is sharing experiences and hope in the moment that an Educator or others with contact just bring a smile once a day. I have bee a paraprofessional at a Middle School for thirty-four years. At one time I worked at a Domestic Violence Facility that had groups shelter and a program with three years in a small apartment. Many times over the years students will transfer and were little when I knew them. They always are asking me ,”Do I know you?” My answer always is , “DID I give you a smile sometime?” My two most close to my heart happened when I decided even with MS i was going to college for Human Services. I am 64 now. I went to the local college and a young woman in financial aide asked if I remembered her?(OF Course I did) She said let me show you a picture and it was her son who worked in the Book Store as a 2 year old and in a Marine Uniform where he did a summer program at the Pentagon. Tears came to my eyes. She said, “You never let me give up. I would get to housing and right back to promises broken over and over.” “I finally found my courage through your belief in me. I work here as a secretary and my son joined the young Marines that you gave me the information. He is entering as an Officer. You saved our lives.” I looked at her and said ,”No you took the resources and you finally found your strength. I was just there to let you know you are never alone.” My other came at an American Legion Auxiliary State Convention when I heard Auxiliary Member of the Year for the State of Virginia and a young lady that I worked with for 10 years had left the area to get married walked across that stage. I am still at the school and actually have so many underlying conditions (OLD and Over Weight included) MS, Diabetic, Anemia, and too many other to mention. I told them that if I can bring one smile and confidence them they are free to give away then I don’t care about risk. This would be the legacy i want to be remembered by. They are not hard to find if you go beyond your eyes and look with your heart. I think our Library sees more students than the counselors. Maybe it is tendered hearts

  13. I work with high school students at a continuation high school. I am the intervention specialist and run therapy groups for kids. This was very informative and gave me so many ideas on how what to start doing and how to start informing our other educators as well. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you put in the effort and made it to where you did. I love when i can share these stories in my groups who have actually been there. It really teaches empathy and shows the students they can do anything they put their mind to. Our school is a high need school and we have a ton of resources so I am glad that we do have compassionate people who care and do connect with kids.

    • Thanks for the kind words Aja. I really hoped for situations that are just like what you described. If it helps even another kid, it will have been worth it.

  14. I am a middle school music teacher who just got a student last week who I found out has been in foster care since the age of 3 and is now been in many group homes. I am so glad I read your article and am glad to report that my instincts have been correct. This girl is already trying to ditch classes but really wants to sing in my performances. Yesterday she started a little bickering back and forth with one of my bossy girls and it escalated where the new girl shut down and wouldn’t sing. After we finished practicing I called her up to my desk. I found out what happened. I told her I would take care of the other girl as well. And then I told her that I know her life has been lousy so far from what I know and that every year i pray for my students even before they walk in my class…which means I prayed for her! And she nodded and started to tear up. I told her I care about her and I want her to succeed and please don’t kick so and so’s ass after school! She laughed. I am glad I know what you wrote. I knew already that Christmas is going to be hard for her. Can i get her a little gift? I think she would like that but just double checking with you guys

    • This is so rewarding to read that my story may have made a difference in a way for another child. I don’t think that getting her something small would be a big deal. I’m trying to think of how it could go wrong and become a “no good deed goes unpunished” type of situation. I could only see that happening if other kids found out and either thought that you were giving preferential treatment to that student or that it forced her to reveal her personal situation to explain why it happened to others.

      So, done discreetly should be a very special moment.

  15. Thank you, Robert. I can’t imagine that was easy to share. I appreciate your bravery, and I will add your story to my teacher bank so it can influence my interactions with foster kids, but also all kids.

    Thank you,
    Loren (@LorenMKaplan)

  16. Im doing a research project for my BSN. I was wondering, in your opinion, what do you define being successful after leaving the group home? I know there is a majority that do not go to school and end up using or arrested. but your opinion matters.

    • Hi Jonathan. That’s a really hard question to answer for every person. I will say that for me, having stability is success. People may define stability differently, but mental, financial, and physical stability was something which was critically insufficient as a child.

  17. Thank you for sharing your story–I am impressed by your resilience. What a great reminder for us that students come from diverse home situations and that their school experience can be impacted by circumstances beyond their control. The clothing part really hit home; it plays such a huge role in fitting in in school.

  18. Due to a plumbing problem at the end of September this year, my family and I spent 3 months living at a hotel right near the high school where I work.

    I found that things which never crossed my mind with a stable home-situation turned into big problems in such a transient living situation. We even had to vacate the hotel for a night and sleep in a friend’s basement due to previous bookings at the hotel.

    Keeping track of one’s belongings, even among family, was difficult and I lost many things which caused stress. My own kids had to deal with the situation as well. Eating out every night, having to do laundry at a laundromat and the constant noise were all things that have given me greater pause when dealing with my own students. (we have a not-insignificant population of recent emigres and other families for whom hotel living is a constant reality)

    thank you for your post, Robert.

    • Thanks for sharing this Scott. It’s really hard to examine our own privilege. Early on during this pandemic, I found myself bouncing back and forth between grief and gratitude in that I was so grateful to be in a much more stable place in my life, but also grief for all the people who still don’t have that. I mean imagine doing everything you wrote but NOW DURING THE PANDEMIC. It’s a lot that people have to deal with…

  19. Thanks for so candidly sharing your experiences. My husband and I are foster parents and we have fostered youth who had been placed in a group previously. My experience with foster youth leads me to always be looking for ways to reach out to students and to have empathy for others. When I know of a student’s situation, I always reach out (in a discreet manner). When I share about myself at the beginning of the school year, I always share that I am a foster parent. Sometimes students approach me and ask about it due to their own experiences. It often opens doors for them to feel comfortable sharing their experiences with me. I hope that I am making an impact on the lives of those I meet, even if it is small.

    • Thanks Christina. Reaching out is one of those things that’s hard to know if it makes a difference in the moment, but from my experiences, my hunch is that it does.

  20. I came across this post while doing research for a book I’m writing, and I so appreciate you bringing this to teachers’ attention. Foster kids and kids in group homes need a little something extra, and it can mean so much coming from a teacher. Thank you!

  21. Wow. How does one read such a personal story and come away with such an aggressive response? Are you okay, Rachel?

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